Frida (name changed) boarded the plane, heart thudding, off to visit her family, knowing it would mean having to face her angry sister again. The one she had not spoken with in years after a falling out.
As anticipated, her sister was angry. Accusatory. In her face.
Frida was calm, composed and curious.
In her mind, she was repeating a phrase she'd learnt in my one-day Nonviolent Communication workshop: "Intention to Connect".
It worked! The anger passed. The words softened. The hearts met. The sisters reconnected.
My sad realisation, though, was that Frida was an exception.
Only 1 in 10 of participants of my training courses were seeing permanent change for them. Most left with thanks and good intention, but no lasting change.
That's the paradox of learning: Improvement doesn't happen while you're practising—it happens after.
The science (in plain English)
Our brains are busy when we're not.
While we're actively trying something, neural pathways are still "work in process". It's during rest, reflection, walks and sleep that they get reinforced—a process called consolidation.
That's why spaced learning (short bursts with gaps) beats marathon sessions every time.
| Think | Reality |
|---|---|
| Long, intensive workshops | Short, focused 1-hr sessions |
| "Nail it" on the first try | Try-fail-reflect-retry loops |
| One-off advice | Ongoing practice + reflection |
The confidence loop in action
- Try – Speak up in a meeting.
- Feel – Notice the "uh-oh" heartbeat.
- Reflect – Jot down what actually happened (usually nothing catastrophic).
- Adjust – Tweak the opening line, breathe a beat longer, add a smile.
Repeat. The loop—try, reflect, adjust—is where confidence is forged, not from a single lecture or a fancy PowerPoint.
Bottom line
The real change happens between the learning sessions.
Give yourself the space to try, fail, reflect, and grow—and you'll find that the next time you speak, the words will flow a little smoother, and the nerves a lot quieter.